malleiform | LABY INBOX.

[ He shifts to take a seat in the large chair of their living room, but he sits on the edge of it so that he can focus on the hawk here. He nods, listening. ]

I'm sorry, Tobias.

[ He had heard that it can happen, but he's not met anyone who's done that yet. ]

Want to share? Talk about it?

<Talk about it? ... It was war. It stopped being a secret war and started being an open one. We won, but our city's half-destroyed, a lot of our allies were killed in what was basically a suicide attack, and... and...>

[He pauses, tries to keep breathing. It's hard to admit. He just saw the urn, after all. Just held it.]

<I don't know if you've ever loved someone, someone who knows all of you and accepts you and you accept them and know them, too. ... But I do. Did. I was just at her funeral. She didn't have to die, but our 'leader' sent her to kill her cousin, his brother, anyway. Enemy or not, that should have been someone else's job. It should have been me, not her! She had so much more to live for...>

I'm sorry to hear that. The unfortunate thing is war can be rotten like that.

[ He shifts a little at Tobias' next words. He feels his stomach sink and it aches to think about. He's heard those words before - right out of his own mouth. It should have been me were the words he shouted at Mel when she said that she protected him out of instinct. It should have been him instead of Viktor.

Viktor may have been a dying man, but Jayce always stood close to the ledge.

It shows on his face. ]

Viktor—he's here. He lives in this house. He died at home, too. That's the person I love like you describe. It's awful, isn't it? But I promise...I promise if you were the one who was gone instead, she would be saying the same thing. She would say it should have been her.

[His first thought is that maybe he went too far. He's not good at reading faces anymore, but that expression... it doesn't seem good.]

[But then Jayce moves on and he breathes a little. If his partner can show up, then maybe...]

<... She would. Though she'd know that the only family I have left is an alien uncle and a mother who doesn't remember me. ... Long stories, both of them. I just... don't know what to do without her. I don't know how to hold on to being... human. Not anymore.>

[ It's hard to hear words that he once said from someone else's mouth. He doesn't know Tobias as well as Mel knew him, and it still kind of sucked to think of someone else feeling that way. He wondered how Mel felt hearing it. He could say that he wasn't right at that time - he had a lot of problems going into that conversation, and things he was even wrestling with now. But loss - it sucks.

It sucks a lot. Losing someone is awful. Loving someone you love that way is worse. He knows the sting, but he also knows rebellion against that sting in his choices that led to him ending up how he is now. ]

What happens if you don't hold onto it, though? Isn't she part of your humanity?

<She is. But I... I mean the plan was to go run off into the forest until... I don't know. Until the end of my natural lifespan as a hawk. Or something - something like that. Why would I want to be around humanity when I have nothing really tying me to it? No reason for being human?>

[It hurts. God, it hurts so much.]

I wish I could tell you an answer, but I don't have one for you.

[ He's smart, of course, but this is not something he's good at. He doesn't have answers for something like this. Probably because he's had those feelings. He gets it - more than he'll admit here and now.

He remembers what it was like to have everything stripped from him - his life, his dream, his education. Love can sure as hell bring someone back from the deepest darkest pits, and Jayce loved the people in his life as if it were breathing. It was easy for him to love, and equally easy for the love to hurt him. ]

I don't even know if this is good advice. [ He's honest enough to admit. ] But I'm certain you don't have to decide today, tomorrow, or even this month. You can take your time to figure it out.

[ Time to figure out what keeps him here. ]

<It feels like I don't... but the war's over and it's not even here. I'm still locked into that - that setting of being always on guard.>

[He'd shaken it a little when he was last here, but now... he's not sure if it'll be easier or harder to shake.]

[But at least Jayce isn't lying to him, not trying to keep him happy with advice that means nothing. That's something. That has to be worth something.]

<I... sorry. I just... I just don't know what to do. I'm so restless but everything reminds me of her.>

It may be some time.

[ He sees no sense in lying about it to him. There's some things people simply don't ever shed. He doesn't know if Tobias will or not. Maybe in time He's not been able to shed what he went through at home. It's always challenging to deal with complex challenges - especially like war. ]

What did you do on your own to keep busy before? Was there a task you had that you always did? Like - I used to work at the forge on my own.

<Hunt. I mean, I am a hawk. Other than that, in human morph... I draw sometimes. I used to go people-watch. Or read. I used to read a lot when I was younger, but they don't really let birds in the library.>

[He tries to keep his tone light for that last bit, but there's still a lot of bitterness in his tone.]

<I used to go to school, but they don't let birds sit in on classes either.>

[ That makes sense. Of course it makes sense. Like Tobias says - he's a hawk. ]

Well, I imagine a bird can be pretty distracting in a classroom. Or library.

[ If nothing else, he can play along with that, at least. ]

You prefer to remain as a hawk, I assume?

[ It sounds genuine coming from Jayce. He's seen another form when all of those things were attacking. The quadruped creature that wasn't quite a horse, but still was similar. ]

<I do. It's easier to just... avoid the things that are a problem when you're a hawk. It's been my 'base' form for three years now. It's just... who I am.>

[He's a predator now, whether he likes it or not. He can't deny that fact.]

I understand.

[ As much as he can. ]

Then you should be a hawk for as long as you need.

[ He sighs. ]

I hope, in time, you'll feel a little better. Bit by bit. It's not as though you've had much time to process anything, right?

Edited 2025-08-07 01:23 (UTC)

<... Right. You're right. I don't even know where to start to 'process' things, but it's... a lot. I guess... time. I need time. To find a new normal... without her.>

[He'd been without her here, but it's... it was different knowing she was waiting for him at home. Now that she's gone...]

<Sorry for uh... barging in on you.>

You have to allow yourself to take time. It won't fix everything, but...it helps you do exactly as you said - find a new normal.

[ He glances around the room. ]

It's alright. My partner's not home right now. And he wouldn't be bothered anyway.

[ He thinks, at least. ]

<I... appreciate it. I just... I didn't know who to go to.>

[And Jayce has been good to him, so he thought maybe it... would work.]

You're welcome here.

[ And he means pretty much anytime he wants. ]

It's safe here.

<I appreciate it.>

[He just... needs to rest. Maybe it'll be a dream... a terrible dream.]

Just tell me if you need anything.

[ He knows what it means to be grieving someone you care about. His grief got swept away when he got here, but it's still there because it still happens. ]

Edited 2025-09-22 01:48 (UTC)

LABY INBOX.

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Animorphs spoilers go here, also vague suicidal ideation

continued suicidal ideation/thoughts/references.

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